Escape From Pianosa

I’ve been perusing RedStateEclectic’s liveblogging of the Republican straw poll in Ames, Iowa. I’m mostly interested to see how Ron Paul fares, but I always enjoy watching presidential candidates trying to impress and pander. Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t a contest to see who can say the most ridiculous thing without anyone noticing.

“As president, I would build a magical fence on the border, that nobody would be able to cross, and I would build it in only 6 months, and it would be amazingly effective. Then I would build a giant laser to protect us from Martians and then I would win the war in Iraq, and save all the babies!”

But Sam Brownback doesn’t stop there. “As president, I will rebuild the modern family” he says. Great. What could that possibly mean?

Tommy Thompson (seriously?) has an even bolder plan:

“Our oil money is going to a Sheik in Saudi Arabia who is giving it to a terrorist. Tommy is going to “break the umbilical cord” to foreign oil. He favors drilling for oil in Alaska.

Tommy, the umbilical cord is attached to the American navel and it’s pumping in delicious life-giving oil. You’re basically proposing an abortion for America. Bad idea Tommy. And abortion is wrong.

Tommy also thinks that people should learn the English language legally. I have to admit, I’m entirely on board with that. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is above the law when it comes to learning a new language. But it’s not just immigrants. Americans also need to learn languages legally. Let’s put a stop to this now before any more walls have to be built.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking. Bashing Tommy Thompson is too easy. But I have to get my shots in because he could be done after tonight, and it gets harder when you’re dealing with the more slippery types.

For example, Mitt Romney, who I believe is actually a robot, although I have no evidence. Yet. The RomneyBot is going to…

Strengthen marriage by helping our kids understand that “before they have kids, they get married.”

I totally know where he’s coming from! When I sold real estate in Baltimore I spent a lot of time in some really bad Wire-esque neighborhoods. And one day I thought, hey, it’s not right that I’m here making money off real estate when there’s all these kids around that need my help.

So I used to give them life advice (free of charge!) like “hey buddy, just say no to drugs” and “hey little guy, better get married before you start making babies.” I think I really made an impact but we won’t know until Freakonomics 2 comes out. In the meantime, I’m with the RomneyBot.